


Don’t Close Your Eyes

by Raddd (RaddRebel)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Crying, Depression, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 02:20:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18955933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaddRebel/pseuds/Raddd
Summary: Kakashi has spent years bottling up the emotions surrounding the deaths of his loved ones, and fixating on his failure. One night he can’t close his eyes without seeing the blood on his hands and the death in their eyes.





	Don’t Close Your Eyes

He felt nothing, and yet at the same time felt everything. When he closed his mismatched eyes, it only brought him pain. Flashes of everything he had been through in his short life. Everything he had suffered and everything he had decided to do. One flash for his father, dead on the floor by his own hand. 

His fist hit the wall. And the wall cracked.

A second flash for his teammates smashed body, broken and pinned under rubble. A blood tear trickled down his cheek from Obito’s sharingan, just as blood pooled around his fist where it pressed a hole into the wall. He pulled his fist back and looked at the blood that welled up from his split knuckles. How much chakra did he put in his hand to hit the wall? His eyes widened as the blood soaked down his palm and covered all of his pale skin. Just like it did that day. Just like it did with her blood.

His hand was through her chest, and sticking out the other side. Her face was mere inches from his own, and he could see as the life drained from her beautiful brown eyes. He tried to say her name, but all he could feel was the flesh around his elbow, and the hot blood that soaked down his arm and exploded over his own chest. Her body was heavy as it went limp, and his own body was giving out. Too much chakra depletion, and too much shock from knowing deep in his bones he had killed his best friend. He had killed enough people the same way to know there was no hope of bringing her back.

“I’m sorry, Rin! Rin I’m so fucking sorry!” He screamed, back in his own room, there was only the sound of his ragged breathing and the blood that dripped down his bare arm. She wasn’t here, she would never be back here again. Her body was eaten by worms and rotting in the ground. His body twitched and he tried to sit down, but only succeeded in dumping himself into his cold bedroom floor. He willed his eyes to stay open, but they burned and when he closed them, there was another flash.

Yellow hair, limp and soaked in cold blood. Red hair, matted and stuck to a pale brow. They were slumped over each other, and a baby was screaming. Identical holes were drilled into their bodies, and a single drop of blood was drying on the infants newborn skin. There was chaos around them, but Kakashi couldn’t move. He had failed yet again, and lost what little family he had been clinging to. 

“M-Minato Sensei…” he could hear someone saying, in a broken, childlike voice. But his brain kicked in, and he realized he was the child. He was the child covered in blood and painted in the black color of failure. His whole team was gone, and his Sensei’s beloved wife was dead, whom he was tasked to protect. His knees hit the dirt, and the hollow sound echoed in his mind. His pale fingers reached out, shaking and oozing blood from broken finger nails. When had one been ripped off entirely? His fingers brushed through Minato’s golden hair, smoothing it back from his face. 

They both looked peaceful, even in death. And Kakashi found it unfair. Why did everyone he cared about and loved get to die, and he was left behind? The crying of the baby broke through the haze in his mind and he looked over to see the little boy. Whisker marks on his cheeks and a complex seal on his perfect stomach. His gut wrenched as he looked at the child with golden hair, so obviously Minato’s son. Hiruzen had made his way into the clearing, and the Anbu holding the baby handed him to the third Hokage. The old man’s face was wet with tears, clutching the infant to his chest, and looking directly at Kakashi. He beckoned for the silver haired nin to come to him, and kakashi did something he had never done in his life before. He turned his back on the Hokage, and flashed away. 

His eyes flew open, but for a moment, Kakashi couldn’t see anything. He was back in his room again, his knees hugged to his chest and his breath coming out in sharp gusts. He moved his uninjured hand up to his mouth, and pushed back the urge to vomit. His brain was thoughtless, empty, but searing with pain. Tears had begun falling down his cheeks, and he was powerless to stop them. He needed help, but he had no actual desire to call for help. Mindlessly, he brought his thumb into his mouth and bit it, hard. The taste of blood still lingered on his teeth before he even realized what he had done. His hand was on the floor and a puff of smoke was replaced by a small pug sitting in front of Kakashi’s wet eyes.

“...oh pup, what have you done?” He had summoned Pakkun. Why had he summoned his ninja dog? The pug stepped forward and laid a gentle paw on Kakashi’s splayed hand. He sniffed the air and looked over his masters curled up form. He licked at Kakashi’s other clenched fist, cleaning away the blood that had begun to dry. Kakashi stared into the pugs eyes, and choked on a sob in his throat. He didn’t want kindness, he didn’t want help. He wanted to die and go to hell where he belonged. Pakkun locked eyes with him and he shook his head, as if he could hear Kakashi’s damning thoughts.

“I’m going to fetch Gai or Tenzou. And they’re going to take care of you, Pup. You don’t get to leave us just yet.” Kakashi swallowed back more bile as his summons spoke, shaking his head and grabbing for Pakkun’s little pug foot. He was too late though, because the nin dog was already at his window, and jumping out into the night. Kakashi whimpered suddenly at being left alone, but he wasn’t given much time. Or time had just moved in a different way for him as he squeezed his eyes shut and remembered more and more people who had died. 

Suddenly strong hands were lifting him into the air, but Kakashi only had enough energy to crack his original eye open. Shiny black hair shifted in the light of the moon, and green cloth peeked back at Kakashi from Gai’s ninja uniform. He reached out and clutched at the cloth. There was no blood there, Gai was alive. And he was unhurt. One of the very few he actually cared about that wasn’t dead yet. But he wouldn’t admit he cared out loud. Because if he did that, his blood soaked hands would probably kill Gai too.

“Kakashi, my dear friend, you have to breathe.” Was he not breathing? He forced himself to assess his body and found that his lungs were burning, and his throat was raw. He was sobbing brokenly in the quiet of his room, a dull ache had started making itself known in his injured hand. Adrenaline was wearing off, and so was the emptiness. He was beginning to fill up with rattling thoughts. He should be dead, he didn’t deserve love, he abandoned his Sensei’s defenseless son. Gai you shouldn’t be here, I’ll get you killed too.

“Kakashi, are these the thoughts you’ve been keeping bottled up inside you for these past years?” Kakashi’s gray eye locked onto Gai’s black one and he forced himself to take his first deep breath in a matter of minutes. He had said all of that aloud it seemed. Gai knew everything, and the only thing that could take it back, was if Kakashi used a Genjutsu and forcefully took the memories back. Gai’s eyes were gentle, and full of love though. And he knew he couldn’t do that to his friend. The white hair ninja slumped forward into Gai’s chest and slowly nodded his head. He clutched the fabric of Gai’s jumpsuit once again, and bit his lip to stop himself from crying. Gai’s strong hands were holding him together, rubbing up and down his back over and over again. His voice was uncharacteristically quiet in Kakashi’s ear.

“I am here my friend, and I will not let you suffer this alone. Your burdens are heavier than any shinobi I have encountered before. I admire you for the strength you have continued to demonstrate for years since we were children, and thrust so harshly into war. This was not your fault. We all carry pain and feelings of failure, but if I promise you anything, it is that you are not at fault for the deaths of your precious people.” Gai rambled on in Kakashi’s ear, his voice as gentle as summer rain. Kakashi could hear the voice in the back of his head, telling him he didn’t deserve this, and that he didn’t deserve to be alive. But Gai’s voice continued to drown that smaller voice out.

“I have spent years trying to reach you, trying to get inside of your mile high walls. And now that I am here, and I know what burdens your mind is plagued with. You will not be able to get rid of me. That is a promise as well.” Kakashi tried to fight against the emotions twisting in his chest, tried not to let Gai’s words affect him. But he was not strong enough to continue to fight off the storm that was Maito Gai. 

His body slackened in Gai’s arms when he gave up the fight, and he focused on the strong beating heart in his friends chest. If he listened hard enough, he could even hear the rush of life blood in Gai’s veins. His best friend was alive, and he was here. For the moment, Kakashi’s pain and loneliness was gone, when he closed his eyes, he didn’t see his own blood soaked hands, and his dead friends. He felt a warmth in his chest that began blossoming the moment Gai started his speech.

“Thank you, Gai.” His words were small, because his throat was ragged, but the words needed to be said. Gai’s arms tightened around him, and he felt a kiss being placed on his disheveled hair. Eventually, his body relaxed enough for him to sleep. And Gai held him gently through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Today I was dealing with sadness from losing a dear friend to suicide, and I ended up writing this to help get some feelings out. I am doing alright, so please don’t worry <3 it was therapeutic to write this. I hope people enjoy reading it and please remember to take care of yourselves. I think I tagged everything for this story, but if I missed anything, please let me know.


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